America better buckle up for an offensive debacle between Patriots and Steelers

BOSTON -- We've known for weeks that it was coming. Yet now that it's imminent, it's really sinking in.

This. Could. Be. Ugly.

"This," of course, is the tackle football game scheduled to take place between the New England Patriots and Pittsburgh Steelers at Don't-Call-Me-Heinz-Field on Thursday night, streaming to you live on the not-ever-choppy Prime Video service. If that's not enough to get your juices flowing, well ... OK, that's fair.

What used to be a blockbuster type of matchup featuring Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, and two of the best teams in the AFC will now be a meeting of two of the most feckless offenses in the sport. And somehow, what was already an ugly matchup on paper has improbably gotten worse.

As was feared on Sunday, Rhamondre Stevenson's ankle injury is a serious one, and he certainly won't be playing in this game. He may not be a superstar running back ... but he's been the Patriots' best offensive player. By far.

Stevenson has 857 yards from scrimmage this season, leading the team by a wide margin. Ezekiel Elliott ranks second, with 274 fewer yards, and rookie Demario Douglas ranks third with just 439 yards. Stevenson is also tied (with the injured Kendrick Bourne) for the team lead in touchdowns with four. Those four scores from Stevenson account for 25 percent of the Patriots' touchdowns this season. 

Stevenson is out this week, and Douglas (concussion) may be too, which would leave the Patriots without three of their four most productive offensive players. (Yes, Bourne is still fourth in yards from scrimmage, despite suffering a season-ending injury a month ago.)

Add that to the fact that both teams are starting their backup quarterbacks -- one by choice, one by necessity.

Bailey Zappe is in line to get his second straight start, after running an uninspired, zero-point-scoring offense against the league's worst pass defense on Sunday against the Chargers. He's completed 50 percent of his passes this season, the second-worst mark of anybody who's thrown at least 60 passes this year. (P.J. Walker is worse, at 48.6 percent.) He's averaged 4.7 yards per attempt, which is also second-worst in the league, better than only Dorian Thompson-Robinson (3.9 Y/A). He has zero touchdowns (which, you know, ties him for the fewest in the NFL) and he's thrown a pair of interceptions. 

He has a passer rating of 50.2, the single worst mark of any player with at least 60 passes thrown this season, and he has a QBR of 17.6. For perspective, Mac Jones' QBR is 36.5, and his passer rating is 77.0. Zach Wilson has a 73.8 passer rating and 30.3 QBR.

Zappe will now face a Steelers defense that's tied for having the fifth-most interceptions in the NFL (12) while holding opposing quarterbacks to the seventh-lowest passer rating (80.2) in the NFL. On the road. On a short week with little to no practice time.

Something that won't help is the fact that Douglas and Kayshon Boutte (shoulder) were listed as non-participants in Monday's estimated practice report, while DeVante Parker (knee) and JuJu Smith-Schuster (ankle) were estimated as limited participants. Two starting offensive linemen -- left tackle Trent Brown and right guard Sidy Sow -- were also listed as limited, making the 32nd-ranked scoring offense look like it will be limping into Thursday night's game.

It might not be very good!

The Steelers, though, don't have a whole lot going on that's better. Kenny Pickett suffered an ankle injury on Sunday, meaning Mitch Trubisky will start at quarterback.

Trubisky opened last season as the starting quarterback for the Steelers, only for him to be on the receiving end of merciless boos from the home crowd after some bland showings. With three appearances off the bench this year, Trubisky has now played in 16 games (five starts) since the beginning of the 2021 season. He's thrown six touchdowns and eight interceptions, with a passer rating of 77.5.

The 29-year-old one-time Nickelodeon Valuable Player will now take the reins for an offense that ranks 26th in total yards, 28th in passing yards, and 28th in scoring. And he'll be making his first start of the year on a short week, with little to no practice time.

Unsurprisingly, sportsbooks have continued to lower the total for this game, as bettors have excitedly hammered the under since witnessing the futility of both offenses on Sunday afternoon. The number opened in the low 30s and has already crept down to 30 on the dot. 

The Patriots have scored 13 total combined points over their last three full games, and the Steelers have scored 10 or fewer points in 42 percent of their games this season. The Patriots and Steelers have each scored 16 offensive touchdowns this season.

The Patriots' defense has allowed an average of 8.7 points per game over their last three contests, and the Steelers have the sixth-best scoring defense in the NFL, allowing 19.1 points per game.

Now remove the Patriots' best offensive player from that equation, throw in a dash of Bailey Zappe and a sprinkle of Mitch Trubisky, along with the standard level of injuries and lack of preparation time that accompanies a short week for all Thursday games, and man oh man. This really ought to be one the more unique football games any of us has ever seen.

Yes, it must be noted that sports are sports, and football is football. So nothing is predictable, crazy things happen, and there's a reason those casinos and sportsbooks make a whole lot of money. So both teams could surprise us and deliver a surprising shootout for us all to see. But there's really just not a single thing that would indicate that could be possible.