Ronald Reagan's index cards of one-liners
"Nothing like a vote in the U.N. to tell you who your friends used to be."
Throughout his political career, President Ronald Reagan used humor to win friends, influence voters . . . and crush the opposition. It turns out he had a secret arsenal: stacks of 3x5 index cards filled with one-liners, which he kept in his desk to append to speeches.
Smile!
President Ronald Reagan poses at the Sheraton Hotel in Washington, October 3, 1988.
"You can talk to any number of President Reagan's speechwriters over the years, and when they might hand him a speech, the speeches would come back with a quote, or an expression or a joke that they hadn't seen before," John Heubusch, executive director of the Reagan Library, told CBS News' Mo Rocca.
Note Cards
"Don't say he's old, but every time there's a knock on the door he yells 'Everybody hide, it's Indians!'"
"Never start an argument with a woman when she's tired -- or when she's rested."
"I won't say he should be put in a mental institution, but if he was in one, don't think I'd let him out."
"Room bugged? Every time I sneezed the chandelier said, 'Gesundheit!'"
Note Cards
"Most people would be glad to mind their own business if the government would give it back."
"Campaign poster should read: 'Caution: Voting for this man may be hazardous to your health, wealth & welfare.'"
"The art of politics is making people like you, no matter what it costs them."
"People who think a tax boost will cure inflation are the same ones who believe another drink will cure a hangover."
Note Cards
"Elderly motorist going down a one-way street. The cop asked, 'Do you know where's you're going?' 'No,' the old fellow admitted, 'but I must be late because everyone else is coming back!'"
"Congress' biggest job: How to get money from the taxpayer without disturbing the voter."
"Three ways to get something done: Do it yourself; hire someone to do it; or forbid your kids to do it."
"Costrophobia: The fear of rising prices."
"Today's kids are studying in History what we studied in Current Events."
Note Cards
"Used to talk our problems over cigarettes and coffee. Now cigarettes and coffee ARE our problems."
"An adolescent kid: Old enough to dress himself if he can only remember where he dropped his clothes."
"Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgment."
"Before TV no one knew what a head ache looked like."
"Why can't life's problems hit us when we are 18 and know everything?"
"This country needs some colleges to teach everything the students think they know."
"Easier to forgive someone if you get even with them first."
Note Cards
"Adolescence is the time when children suddenly feel responsible for answering the phone."
"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way she told you."
"A compliment may be blunt, but criticism calls for courtesy."
"Prosperity is something created by businessmen for politicians to take credit for."
"Modern styles – buckle shoes, loafers, moccasins. A man can earn his Ph.D. without learning to tie his shoelace."
Note Cards
"Today if someone offered us the world on a silver platter, most of us would take the platter."
"Money may not buy friends, but it will help you to stay in contact with your children."
"As long as there are final exams there will be prayer in schools."
"Flattery is what makes husbands out of bachelors."
"New credit plan: 'Try our easy payment plan - 100% down + nothing to pay.'"
"Proud young father wired the news to his brother: 'A handsome boy has come to our house and claims to be your nephew. We are doing our best to give him a proper welcome.' Brother wired: 'I have no nephew. The young man is an imposter.'"
Note Cards
"It's a great kindness to entrust some one with a secret. They feel so important while telling it."
"Women can't do without marriage -- who'll steady the stepladder while they're painting the ceiling?"
"I won't say their marriage is unhappy, but he went down to the marriage license bureau to see if his license had expired."
Note Cards
"Don't say he's old, but every time there's a knock on the door he yells 'Everybody hide, it's Indians!'"
"Never start an argument with a woman when she's tired -- or when she's rested."
"I won't say he should be put in a mental institution, but if he was in one, don't think I'd let him out."
"Room bugged? Every time I sneezed the chandelier said, 'Gesundheit!'"
Note Cards
"Our problem is a lack of movies that are rated E for Entertainment."
"The younger generation has no faults that being a parent and a taxpayer will not eliminate."
"There's little danger of our government being overthrown – there's too much of it."
"If you dread getting old because you won't be able to do the things you want to do, don't worry -- when you get older you won't want to do them."
"Prices are so high you don't order a chuck roast any more -- you have to call it Charles."
Oval Office
President Reagan wears an anti-Michael Dukakis mask in the Oval Office, October 14, 1988.
For more info:
Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation & Library
By CBSNews.com senior producer David Morgan