Just the two of us: Childless by choice

(CBS News) Even as we celebrate motherhood today, a dissenting point of view is gaining ground . . . as more and more young couples are deciding that "just the two of us" is quite enough. To be sure, the vast majority of young American women still aspire to motherhood, but not so many as did a generation or two ago, as Tracy Smith (a mother of twins) reports in our Cover Story:

In a sprawling home in northwest Arkansas, 19-year-old Jinger Duggar plays solo. This is about as close to alone time as she ever gets.

You may already know her family: the Duggars. Mom Michelle, dad Jim Bob, and 19 kids, most still at home, living in a 7,000-square-foot house that doubles as a set for TLC's "19 Kids and Counting."

It's crowded but calm: a cheerful place where proper etiquette is enforced down to the tiniest tot.

But the Duggars never dreamed it would turn out like this. When Jim Bob and Michelle were married nearly 30 years ago, children weren't even on their radar.

"We didn't know if we wanted to have children right away," he said. "And so Michelle actually went on the birth control pill, and she was on that for a little over three years. And then she went off that, we had our first son, Josh."

Michelle went back on the pill, got pregnant again, and suffered a miscarriage. Devastated, the couple sought divine intervention.

"And right after that, God blessed us with twins," said Michelle. "And then another one."

And another one. And another one.

"Matter of fact, we got up to about seven or eight, somewhere through there, and we thought, 'What have we done?'" said Jim Bob.

Clearly, the Duggars are different: not all couples can, or want, to have this many children - or, any children at all.

"We don't know if our children will be able to have children or not," said Jim Bob. "And there could be medical problems, or they may choose not to have children. But that will be their decision between them and their spouse."

"Whatever the Lord allows in their life," added Michelle.

"There are lots of reasons that people don't have kids," said Jonathan Last, a writer for the Weekly Standard and author of "What to Expect When No One's Expecting." He says money is often a roadblock to parenthood.

"It's become phenomenally expensive to have a child right now in America," said Last. "When you add up all the costs, it's about $1.1 million to have a child for a normal middle class American. That's a lot of money to spend on, you know, something that in 15 years is going to tell you that it hates you."

Whatever the reason, motherhood is in decline.

According to the Pew Research Center, in the 1970s, around one in 10 women were childless. That number now is closer to one in five.

Kids were never part of the plan when Laura and Vinny Ciaccio got married. Tracy Ellen Kamens and Jared Skolnick felt the same way. Both couples are now members of a social club for the "childless by choice," called No Kidding!

Vincent Ciaccio says he does not hate kids: "Well, my favorite quote is [from] Jerry, the founder of No Kidding!, [who,] says, 'I like women's breasts, [but] I don't want my own.' "

"I've been an SAT teacher and loved my students," said Laura Ciaccio. "But I just don't feel the same way about toddlers and babies that everyone else seems to."

"But it doesn't mean you hate them?" asked Smith.

"No, I don't hate them," she said. "I'm indifferent toward them."

Jessica Valenti, who wrote a book called "Why Have Kids," says there's a persistent notion that every woman, deep down, wants to be a mom.

Smith said, "I do think a lot of people out there are going to say, 'We were put on Earth to have kids, isn't that what life is about?'"

"I think that depends on who you ask," replied Valenti. "I do think we run into a problem, especially when you're talking about women, when the expectation is, 'Of course, you want to have children.' And not only of course you want to have children, 'Of course it's going to be the most important thing that you ever do in your life.' So you're really setting women up to fail in this way when you say, 'You need to have children. They need to be the most important thing to you. They're going to bring you all the joy in the world.' And when that doesn't happen, it can be really, really disappointing and devastating."

The childless by choice, Valenti says, are still labeled as selfish, when the opposite is often true.

"Child-free people are not selfish," said Valenti. "You know, the idea that the only way to be selfless is to have children, I think, is a really dangerous notion, and a really dangerous ideal.

"There's plenty of ways to be a good, compassionate, productive citizen without bringing children into the world. So as long as we kind of think that, that stereotype is going to remain."

Tracy Ellen Kamens believes it's more selfish to have a child if you're not sure that you can be the parent that you'd like to be. "I've always said that I'd rather make a mistake and not have a child than have a child and find out that that's a mistake," she said.

"I think we all make selfish decisions," said Laura Ciaccio. "Every time you go out and, you know, buy yourself a latte instead of donating money to the poor, you're making a selfish decision.

"Life is about balancing the things you do for yourself with the things you do for the world. And there's a lot of ways to contribute to the world other than having kids."

Most people seem to agree: In fact, according to a new CBS News poll, only 16 percent said that people who decide to remain childless do so for selfish reasons.

But while not having kids may be more socially acceptable today, some fear that a baby drought would be bad news.

Figures say that we're below the replacement rate -- that is, the average number of babies the average woman needs to have, to keep the population stable. The replacement rate is roughly 2.1. The United States is now around 1.9.

"We are not making enough babies, sadly enough," said Jonathan Last. "Anybody who has been around babies would be able to tell you, it's a lot of work. And a lot of it is not entirely pleasant."

Last says our falling birth rate will transform the economy . . . and not in a good way.

If it continues, he told Smith, the entire U.S. will look like Florida: "A whole lot of older people who need support, who need government assistance through the social welfare programs that we have, Social Security and Medicare. It will have a much, much smaller number of workers trying to support them.

"There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have a kid," he said. "But the goal should be to find ways to help the people who do want children to have them, in what is a very expensive and complicated world."

Of course, parents would say there are plenty of great arguments FOR having children, and the No Kidding folks have heard them all.

"Have you had people try to convince you that you're wrong?" asked Smith.

"Oh, yes, absolutely," said Laura Ciaccio. "You're going to be so alone when you're older. Who's going to take care of you? -- thinking that somehow children are just future indentured slaves or something like that? It's really not a great reason to have kids."

She added, "Since I don't know what I'm missing, I can't possibly know that I'm making the right choice."

"What do you say to people who say that to you, 'You'll never know this joy'?" asked Smith.

"Nobody who's known me really well has ever said that to me," said Ciaccio. "So, I think they have a difficulty understanding that different people want different things in life, and that what makes them happy is not necessarily going to make me happy."

So who's really happier -- family folk, or child-free?

We asked people in both groups, and a majority (67 percent) said people have an equal shot at happiness, with or without kids.

For the record, Jessica Valenti, who wrote "Why Have Kids?," has a two-year-old daughter. "I knew that it was always something that I wanted," she said.

"It's a raw deal," said Jonathan Last. "It's an enormous amount of work. A lot of the work, you know, is not a lot of fun. We're not going to sentimentalize it."

He should know: he's also a parent.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, already the parents of 19, are praying for more. "We haven't given up trying yet," they said.

And Laura and Vinny Ciaccio are thinking about expanding their own family someday . . . by getting a dog.

For more info:

• "19 Kids and Counting" (TLC)
• duggarfamily.com
• No Kidding!
• No Kidding! - Find a local chapter
• jonathanlast.com
• "What to Expect When No One's Expecting: America's Coming Demographic Disaster" by Jonathan V. Last; Also available for iPad and Kindle
• jessicavalenti.com
• "Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness" by Jessica Valenti (New Harvest)